Scrubing your dirty deeds

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Sunday evening, while i was busy doing house chores and one of them is scrubbing the dirty grease at the kitchen sink. And i merely wondered, 

are our hearts this dirty whilst doing bad deeds? I mean did I try to scrub them hard like what I did now? Did i do any actions to scrub my heart white? 

Turning them into shiny white is impossible, but making the stains fade is POSSIBLE. Aku lalai, aku alpa and this makes me wonder apa patut aku buat untuk bersihkan hati aku yang kotor. Terlampau banyak sangat kesalahan yang aku telah buat semenjak baligh. I mean terlampau banyak gila. Those school days where i lied to my parents untuk keluar with my friends, where i cabut sekolah and lepak doing nonsensical things, and 1 bad thing I had done when I was 17 years old that changed my life 360 degrees. My relationship with my parents and my family. Then there was college life, where I kept rebelling and think that 

aku je betul, semua salah. Kenapa orang susah sgt nak faham aku, and aku buat je kepala aku. Aku rasa weh hidup muda ni sekali jelah, buat jela ape aku nak buat. 

So i live wrecklessly, abaikan studies aku for my last year. I took Mechanical Engineering and got 4 flats for my 1st year, but then semua dah kelaut. Semua dah gone dead buried at the sea. No future left for me. Then i ran away from home. Worked at Starbucks and merempat and menumpang dekat rumah orang. I think 

aku dah hebat sangat. Hebat boleh survive sendiri tanpa bantuan orang lain. 

Padahal dalam pandangan orang lain, aku ni such a nuisance. Menyusahkan orang betul sampai family sendiri tak nak terima kau. Hmmm, then I berniaga at Singapore and didnt last long. Maybe because takde keberkatan dalam hidup. My parents and family didnt bless me of what I have. To be frank, aku earned around Rm3000 per week. Betapa besarnya duit yang aku dapat seminggu. Tapi tiada keberkatan, tiada juga kekal lama rezeki itu. 

So itu sedikit sebanyak cerita masa lampau aku. Di mana, masa aku kahwin pun, im not one of my in laws favourites pun. Ada aje yang salah dimata mereka, ada aje yang tak kena. Ada aje yang tak betul. Tapi Allah tu Maha Kuasa, there’s one incident that totally changed the perspective of me, (later i cerita in another post ya). So thats it, aku rasa hati aku dah hitam legam due to terlambau banyak sangat kisah silam aku yang penuh pahit dan keburukan. Mungkin Allah place aku kerja di kebajikan supaya aku dapat membersihkan hati aku sikit-sikit dengan menolong orang, menyenangkan urusan orang? Mungkin itu yang dapat bersihkan hati aku mcm skrg aku tengah menyental tiles dkt sink ni? Hmmm, semuanya di tangan kita untuk mentafsirkan sendiri. Aku harap Allah kuatkan hati aku, kuatkan daya aku untuk berubah menjadi yang baik dan lebih sempurna. Not to be perfect, but to be more wiser and kinder in the near future. For my kids, my husband and my family. Banyak sangat jasa mereka yang aku patut balas selagi hayat aku masih ada. Kuatkan diri aku ya Allah, help me endure and i hope i can bring something valuable to the society too In sha Allah. Whats past is something for you to learn, but whats in the future is something for you to think and strive. Till next time,

x

AmrhAbdlh